Loyola and the Illusive "Secret Formula"

by funtax

I don’t ask for much in life. A little booze, a little music, a little lovin’ and some GOD DAMN Coke. The absolute, number one, most irritating thing that I’ve had to deal with this year is Loyola becoming a fucking "Pepsi School." I don’t know what the school got from the Pepsi Cola company, and frankly I don’t care (though I think we can all agree that it was probably a monetary compensation of some kind), but it drives me nuts that, on top of all the other shit going down at this school, we aren’t free to buy (even at a grossly inflated price) the beverages we want. I know this seems petty, but dammit, I love Coke.

There is one Coke machine on campus, (and I won’t mention where, for fear that the storm troopers will rush right in and remove it in the name of "beverage purity") but I have to say, it’s quite a trek to get over to it. I don’t have a car, so I can’t really rely on grocery stores. I suppose I could walk to Royal Farms on Cold Spring Lane, or to that CVS on York Road, but even I am not willing to risk getting killed for a frosty beverage. So I’m forced to drink Pepsi or nothing at all. Well, brothers and sisters, lemme tell ya, I’m opting for nothing at all! Power to the people! Or something to that effect.

What now, you ask? Well, I don’t know. But I’ll tell you a story. It seems Loyola isn’t the first place to ban Coke products. In fact, a rather famous group, one I’m sure you’ve heard of, once banned them many years ago.

*cue flashback sequence*

The world was at war. Germany had once again begun an assault on Europe that would drag the rest of the Western world into the conflict. It was a time of great strife. And with strife, as we all know, comes a need for caffeine. Now, in 1939, Coca Cola had a thriving market in Europe. In Germany alone, there were over 600 distributors and over 40 bottling plants. But then a tragedy, one of many, occurred. The Nazi Party declared that, since Coca Cola was Kosher, it was also "a menace to European civilization." Coca Cola, nectar of the gods, was banned in Nazi-occupied territories. As you may recall, the Nazis were not nice people. Now, I’m not trying to say that Loyola is committing genocide (though who knows - maybe those white hats and plaid shirts are the uniform of Loyola’s "Master Race"), but it certainly is interesting that there is a historical connection between evil and fear of Coke products. Makes a fella wonder.

But the story does not end here. A renegade businessman named Max Keith, fearing a world without Coke, and desperate to provide the fizzy-goodness of Coke products to an oppressed Europe, took matters into his own hands. Max Keith began bottling Fanta. Now, as anyone who has ever accidentally consumed any Fanta product can attest, the beverage was, well... pretty bad. It certainly ain’t no Coke. But it was the thought that mattered! And Max went on to immediately re-establish Coca Cola in Germany as soon as the War ended.

Now, what does all of this mean to you and I, the stalwart lovers of Coke? It’s very simple. If Loyola takes away our Coke, and we are separated from the outside world’s supply of that divine fluid, then we must act as Max Keith did. We must bottle our own Coke. Below, hidden for many years, is what sources claim to be the Holy Grail of soft drink production. The illusive recipe for Coca Cola, "secret formula" and all. And so you don’t think I just made this up, here’s another story for you (last one, I swear):

Some time ago, an 84 year-old distributor named Lee Williams, after keeping the secret for over half a century, spilled the beans on Coke. Williams had been first given the formula in 1948, when he worked a sales route for the Dr. Pepper Company (the enemy, as it were). According to legend, a pharmacist named John Reed had been making the stuff himself for years, after an ingredient salesman began selling him the various necessary ingredients for the syrup. Held in a file labeled "1898" was the recipe Williams was given. And thus, to we thirsty and oppressed, comes salvation. You now have the chance to whip up a batch of "The Real Thing" on your own:

*********************************************

30 pounds of sugar
2 gallons of water
2 pints of lime juice
4 ounces of citrate of caffeine
2 ounces of citric acid
1 ounce of extract of vanilla
6 drams (3/4 ounce) of fluid extract of cola
6 drams of fluid extract of coca

Now all you need is carbonated water, and you're set! Of course, if you make some and go blind as a result, don’t blame me.

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