The Erotic Mutual Fund

The Thinking Man's Guide to Not Blowing It All On Mistakes

by funtax

Every serious, monogamous relationship you've ever had, with - at best - the exception of one, has failed. With a failure rate like that, if your love life were a car, it would be recalled and buried at sea to protect mankind.

The good news is that everyone is in the same exact boat and nothing lessens personal emotional agony like a nice dose of schadenfreude.

The bad news is that, unless you're one of those idiots that marries the first girl who lets you hold her hand in high school, this is going to be a very, very expensive process.

In the average "long term" relationship, you'll have birthdays, holidays and anniversaries to deal with. Each one costing you a substantial chunk of change. While you're in the relationship, it's something you do willingly. It's "an investment" in her happiness and, by extension, YOUR happiness. The problem is that the chances are very good that you'll be dumping that money down the drain when the relationship runs off the rails and she walks away with her basket of lovely parting gifts. You've got far better odds in Vegas and the sex there is probably cheaper in the long-run as well.

So you wind up a few grand in the hole, looking at your credit card statement month after month, realizing that you're paying off gifts you gave to someone you - more than likely - no longer even speak to, much less sleep with. Then you get into a new relationship and the cycle begins again.

Eventually, however, you'll probably get lucky and find someone to marry. Marriage is the tourniquet that finally stops the financial hemmhoraging that men suffer through during the "dating" process. Once you're hitched, the bleeding doesn't stop, but it slows to a controllable trickle.

But it could be YEARS and Lord knows how many "serious" relationships before you get there. So how do you avoid throwing your hard-earned cash away on one failed relationship after another?

The Erotic Mutual Fund is the answer.

On every birthday, at every major holiday, for every "milestone" occasion, instead of giving her diamond ear rings you give her a nice, ornate card with a dollar amount listed and a bank statement enclosed. The statement lists the balance of a mutual fund you control and the dollar amount on the card shows how much cash you just added to it. The rules are simple:

The Fund adds up over time. Girl after girl. Relationship after relationship. EVERY anniversary gift goes directly to the Fund and not DIME ONE goes to the woman you happen to be sleeping with at the time. Then, the day after you get married, you sign over full control of the Fund to your new bride.

The result?

You never waste your money on a mistake. Your wife never has to wonder how many girls out there are wearing diamonds you bought them. You increase in "value" the longer you hold out. She gets to go on a bigass shopping spree during the Honeymoon (added bonus: the Honeymoon just got a LOT less expensive for YOU).

There are other things to note:

1) This ONLY applies to large purchases. You should still pony up for dinner and movies, buy her flowers now and then, etc. Consider it a sex tax.
2) Adopt early. The longer you wait to get started, the more crowded the market will become. The last thing you want is to come in late to the party and find a sexual commodities market has sprung up and that you're years behind the competition in building up your war chest.
3) A prenup is an ABSOLUTE necessity. In the event of a divorce, she is obligated to either refund the full amount held in the Fund at the time you signed it over or to sacrifice a share of your co-owned property equal in value to that amount.

So that's it. If nothing else, this makes for interesting bar conversation fodder. You'll command the full attention of all of the women as they decide whether or not they hate you and all of the men will be stunned by your clarity of vision.

Update:

During the year or so since I wrote this, it's been posted and reposted in various places where it's invariably met with one of two responses:

1) "This is the most brilliant idea ever. I'm going to start using it IMMEDIATELY."
2) "You're awful. This is worse than Ladder Theory."

I can't decide which is more amusing.

Oddly, I've almost NEVER had anyone actually pick up on the fact that this is intended to be FUNNY. It's satire - NOT PHILOSOPHY. I don't blame most readers, though, since many weren't privy to the context in which it was first written. After an especially sloppy break-up, I spent a fair amount of time in what can be politely described as a "very bad mood." Looking back on it all, after a fair span of time had passed, I found humor in the sort of things I'd been saying and feeling when everything first went sideways, as it were. And that's what this piece represents. It's not intended to be serious. It's not indicative of my actual view of women or dating or anything else. And it SURE AS HELL isn't something I'd ever actually try myself.

So there you have it. I wonder how Jonathan Swift put up with passionate, vocal concerns about baby eating?

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